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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  April 2, 2014 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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(cheers and applause) > captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds and this happened on google plus today. as an april fool's day stunt, google plus adde david hasselhoff photobombs to pictures that users uploaded today, like this one at the beach right there hanging out. i does one myself. ( cheers and applause )
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hang on. hang on. bud, sadly april fool's day is now over. ( laughter ) >> oh, it's over. >> yeah, sorry. >> so you want me to eff off? >> how you doing? ( cheers and applause ). >> thank you. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> it is amazing that that man went all over the world to be in everyone's photographs. only on google plus. it was just an exhausting day where everything on the internet's a lie, and you can't find a single moment of sincerity until, that is, this brave young man came along on vine. i give you "i like pickles. i can shoot trees.
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>> i like pickles! i can sheet threes. >> he likes pickles. he can shoot threes. he has the right amount of enthusiasm to be the next host on amc's "talking dead." comediennes, please, be like this kid. kumail nanjiani. >> i like ice cream. my friends respect my life choices! ( cheers and applause ). >> thomas middleditch. >> i like trench coats and i can creep around college campuses. >> t.j.ñb miller, i like thinking about that guy becoming a professional basketball player and before every shot he's like, "i like pickles. i can shoot threes." >> it's time to start "@midnight"! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick.
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tonight, we have three stars of of a fewinal new series sal premiering april 6 on hbo. let us good individual credits from the indoor kids" podcast on the nerdist network, it's kumail nanjiani. from "search party," with t.j. miller, in theaters september. 12th, it's thomas middleditch. ( cheers and applause ) and from the at labtic improv it's t.j. miller! ( cheers and applause ) let's begin. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. ( cheers and applause ) in dishonor of april fool's, the internet made a variety of parody videos since it's the one day everyone can be hacky.
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southwest offered rounds trip flights to mars. there's that. so you can sit next to a screaming baby for four years. and netflix made a 73-minute video of a chicken getting cooked. >> that's pretty good. >> we created a rosetta stone language video for cling-on. it was a lot of fun. which should be a thing. webmd however, has not yet participated. oh! wheed yeps what should their prank have been. >> turns out every time they had said it was cancer, it was april fool's. >> they went all religious and every treatment option is 100 milligrams of prayer! >> yshes points. t.j. miller. >> everything you ask about just replies, "you're fine. you're fine." ( cheers and applause )
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>> i am still really nervous after seeing david hasselhoff. ( laughter ) i can't get over it! he's right there! >> he's like a human being. he's a person. >> i don't want to ruin it but you gotta see the end of that netflix chicken video. >> spoiler, spoilers! spoilers! ( cheers and applause ) why don't you just show the chicken salad sandwich you took from the craft salad table. >> chris chris just in case i got a little chips for you. >> wow! that sweetens the pot. >> yeah, baby. yeah baby. >> whoa! oh, yeah. eat those chips without salsa! do it dry, man!
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>> i love the idea of being at a party and someone is like salsa? and you're like i eat them dry. ( laughter ) >> i like them like i like my women-- dry. ( laughter ) let's move on. played the greatest prank by announcing the very real story that washington, d.c. was decriminalizing pot. forcing stoners to wonder whether they can light up or will get tased by a cop yelling "april fools!" the unofficial motto of washington, d.c. is "taxation without representation," which is featured on their license plates. now that pot has been decriminalized, what should the motto on the d.c. license. plates be? kumail? >> are you following me? you're following me. ( laughter ) are you a cop? if you're a cop, you have to tell me. >> points. thomas middleditch. >> washington d.c.-- where-- uhm... ( laughter )
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( applause ) >> points! t.j. >> washington, d.c., smoke some of that obama mara-ju-wana! oh, buddy, buddy. you want to smoke that weed, come to the capital. we have the longest license plates. you ever seen roanan? >> i'll give you points for sort of addressing the challenge at hand. that is the end of "rapid refresh." and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. y ( cheers and applause ) tonight our comedians are the stars of hbo's upcoming series, "silicon valley", and today was tonight'stonight's hashtag is failed
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apps. we're on a little thin weiss this one. where is this going to go? don't make fun of my favorite apps. i didn't sign up for this! is anything sacred anymore! come oman, retract the clause, wolverines. examples would be angry turds, duck facetime fapchat. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and go. >> shazam for far farts. >> identify people. >> and what they ate. >> well done. t.j. >> too many pronunciations. it's all different ways to pronounce kumail's name? >> points points. thomas. >> uran tune. points. kumail. >> angry nerds it's pictures of you.
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( applause ) t.j.? >> instagram mother. it's just instagram pictures of all the sweet grandmamas. >> points! >> you know how i like the dry ones! >> no! don't applaud it! >> you got a chicken salad sandwich coming right your way. >> i hope they didn't put the mayo on it. ( laughter ) kumail. >> hu? what are we doing? >> failed apps. >> john wilkes photo booth, and it's just shots of the back of your head. ( cheers and applause ). that is the end of tonight's #hashtagwars. send us your #failedapps and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back.
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our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag wars was sent to u u
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>> welcome back to" @midnight". an epic show thus far. if you're in the miami area, we're going to be doing. @midnight live, as part of the south beach comedy. festival on april 4. tickets and info are at. ( cheers and applause ) and now, it's time to play "april fools or just japan." ( applause ) america loves april fool's day, but in japan they take that as serious as a mothra attack. i'm gonna show you a picture of something japanese and you tell me if it's a japanese april fool's prank or just another day in japan. the first one, red bull bath powder. sure, why not? april fools or just japan? kumail? >> that is an april fool's joke. >> that is, in fact an april fool's joke. ( applause ) >> you know why? because you can easily just drink red bull in the shower. ( laughter ). >> it is getting really hyped up to--
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>> how about beer for children? it's not like they have driver's licenses for children. april fools or just japan? >> this is just japan. >> yes, just japan. there is a commercial for it. who needs to worry about calories will at that age? >> that kid is justño like damn! ( bleep )! i don't know why he's talking like that though. >> they're so close you can just hug ( bleep )'s all day long. >> air conditioned pants. please let me be real. april fools or just japan? kumail? >> woe that's just an april fool's joke because where would you plug it in your butt right? >> that could be part of the
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ventilation process. these are actually just japan. these are real. >> oh! >> i knew it. >> and sold out by the way, they're sold out. >> hey, man i've got some hot thighs. you're talking to a girl and getting nervous and it's like vrooom. sorpry, my legs are getting hot. what? i can't hear you what? here. go down and talk into my thigh. it sounds like darth vader. >> points for miller. that it is the end of april fool's our just japan but now it's time to play is it "what the tfm." has a wall where they let you post "total frat moves," or tfm's. bros, and lady bros.
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surprisingly, not all of which involve roofies. there are other things they're interested in too. no, ( bleep ) you, they suck. i'm going to read you a t. if and you're going to fill in the blank. if i like the answer better than the one the frat dude posted, points! brushing up on blairveg before spring break. >> brushing up on saying i don't know who she is why of or why she's naked but i gotta tell you you have a pretty good rack fair cop. >> t.j. i'm going to give you points for just being like a human madlib. >> brushing up on international maritime law before spring break, total frat move. telling the cops she is blank. kumail. >> i'm a first year law student, and i'm pretty sure the law says, if there's grass on the field-- >> i'd like to be in the courtroom where that law was
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passed. just like all these white-wigged people, this is so! let them play ball! >> we were just talking about baseball. the correct answer is telling the cops you didn't see their names on the guest list. whoops. bros, i'll give kumail time for that. and time for our live challenge, "murder league baseball." i don't know what this is. >> hey guys, since the new orleans pelicans gave their mascot pierre a facelift to make him less horrifying, we haven't seen him around these parts much. there's new season of baseball. so the arkansas travelers are the anaheim angels aa affiliate, and they introduced this horrible redneck possum beast. horrible! >> he can't even keep his
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overalls up. what a ( bleep ) up. comedians, please write the first tweet from this redneck. possum hybrid. we'll get your answers after the break. we'll be right back. with more "@midnight!"
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( cheers and applause ) >> welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you the new mascot for the aa affiliate anaheim angels and asked you to write its first tweet. i mean it's really not-- you
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know, i'm from tennessee and this is-- ( bleep ). let's see what you guys wrote. thomas. >> you will never reach the next leprechaun. let's go travelers. get a home run. ( applause ) >> all right t.j. >> hey, look at my mouth when you're talk towg me. it's where i see from. hey! my eyes are down here! ( laughter ). >> oh, my god. you should be the voice of that thing. kumail. >> i was once a man. i stepped in a pile of radioactive possum ( bleep ). please tell my wife i'm alive and i miss my children. hashtag butt. >> i gotta give-- damn! i loved all of those of! >> hey, chris.
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>> what? >> 1000 points for everybody! 1,000 points across the board! >> 1000 points? ( applause ) it's time for web mdumb. the deadline to sign up for obamacare online was yesterday, which means lots of people who missed the deadline are going to be flocking to webmd. why deal with actual healthcare when you can diagnose herpes yourself? ( laughter ) comedians, i want you to give as me many dumb medical. questions to webmd as you can. 60 seconds. go. thomas. >> my wife gets headaches when i get bornes. are my bornes causing her headaches? >> points. >> are her headaches causing my boners? >> i'm having trouble-- what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? >> points.
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kumail? >> is it too late to get an abortion? it's in the third grade. ( applause ). >> points! it's in the third grade. thomas, what's the best tool to remove a kidney in home depot now? please reply quick. >> points! kumail. >> seriously is david hasselhoff still in the building? >> it's a fair question, points. kumail? >> if someone drinks an entire bottle of drano, where do i hide my wife's body? >> points! ( cheers and applause ) t.j.? >> are these legs? ( laughter ) >> points! ( buzzer from know ().>> that is the end of web mdumb, and i see just barely thomas middleditch, you are in third place. >> no! >> are you going to be okay?
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>> no, it's fine. i have the blade right here. i'll do it in front of you. >> thomas, no! >> if you-- go up the arm. >> bathe him in red lights. >> aaaaaahhh! >> well, he's gone forever. ( applause ) that means it's time to take out the digital track for the win! ( cheers and applause ) earlier we celebrated japan's love of pranks. told us about hato day, or "pigeon day," so named because as you can see everyone seems to be wearing giant pigeon heads and getting together. so they put on these pigeon heads and they get tooth to ( bleep ) something. so it's essentially the internet. here they are enjoying some fine pigeon dining together. comedians, i want you to review
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this restaurant as a pigeon. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight.
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>> this is the moment you've been waiting for. it's tim for, for the win. i'm going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe. can i borrow your sandwich. >> i wanted to give this to you before you make your final decision. >> wipe, wipe wipe. it's hot. but not in a good way. i'm going to read the answers out lout so you the audience will decide who should emerge the winner before the break. i showed you this image from the pigeon day celebration in japan and asked to you write a review of the restaurant as one of the pinlons. let's see what you wrote. first one the bread was stale five stars. #butt. pigeons don't care about stale bread. or i ( bleep ) my appetizers and told the chef it was good luck. the house wipe was divine. two wings up. pine gaffing rebel striving i'm a pigeon-- pigeon noises.
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( cheers and applause ) number two, who wrote number two! yes, t.j. miller. check out sill april 6 on hbo. do it. we'll see you all tomorrow night when. our guests will be amber tamblyn, rhys dharby, and kurt braunohler. until then, keep the game going okay everyone, thanks for participating in this focus group. i'm going to be asking you some questions about the show "inside amy schumer" everyone understand? okay. so first question, what do you think about the balance between the sketches and the stand-up? ooh! bronco? yeah, i thought her tits were great. like, really good tits. but her face was just okay. just so-so face, man. (man) so-so face, okay.
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